By Stephanie Josiah on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 12:35pm
Ewww. LOL I hate it when it hits me just how wrong I've had it and then I feel this sense of "duh"..
I recently posted that I was in my car, crying like a baby, for a while - over what? I've been thinking about it and I realized that I was initially crying over the hurt I was feeling. But then, it got UGLY. You know about that? When the initial reaction is a harmless one but then the following reaction is one of pride and a desire to get even for the wrongdoing that you suffered? But, it's hitting me now that I was also shedding tears because I hated the amount of control these people had over how I felt and even worse, how I felt about myself. I hated that I ALLOWED these people to make me feel down about me.
I've come out of this stronger, realizing that I gave their thoughts and words about me too much power. I love it when people believe in me and acknowledge that I am a good person, good friend, good mom, good anything really. I may even depend on people thinking good about me... yeah, I count on other people's good feelings about me - I must. Because how else can I explain how I react when those same people are putting me down, there's a misunderstanding and they won't let me clear it up, there's a dispute and the people want to toss me aside like garbage and forget about me - it's like my whole world turns upside down and I get so angry that I feel almost as if I could self-combust.
These close-armed people. These sometimey people are just that... people. I know one person who is so the opposite of all those people. He never has His arms crossed toward me like, "no way, bub, get lost!" In fact He spread His arms as far open as He possibly could - just to tell me "I love you this much."
These rumor spreading people. These one-way-one-day and one-way-another people. We are all like that sometimes. These people may not have caught me in acting up THIS PARTICULAR TIME lol... but I am guilty of so much. (No confessions today, sorry folks LOL) But I mean, we all act up and we've probably all said something about somebody or to somebody that was painful. Our words can be so ugly and so spirit-killing, but we give people the power to kill our whole day! I know someone who spoke and gave us life, who spoke and healed the sick, who spoke and it was so, who spoke His love into us before we were even a twinkle in our parents' eyes. I need to stop giving power to words that create nothing and start realizing where the real words are!
I have been greedy. I wanted everyone in this world to love me like that. How should I think that it would go for me so smoothly, when the one who does fill us completely and does speak so fondly of us didn't have it that easy? I should just be grateful that these people notice me... My prayer is that I will be a 6ft tall, flashing, gleaming, UGLY, tacky, crazy, horrific, so horribly eye-catching, man "whatever it takes for them to notice me" sign with a huge arrow pointing right up at Jesus.
I can handle that :0) God says I can.
Love,
Steph
I recently posted that I was in my car, crying like a baby, for a while - over what? I've been thinking about it and I realized that I was initially crying over the hurt I was feeling. But then, it got UGLY. You know about that? When the initial reaction is a harmless one but then the following reaction is one of pride and a desire to get even for the wrongdoing that you suffered? But, it's hitting me now that I was also shedding tears because I hated the amount of control these people had over how I felt and even worse, how I felt about myself. I hated that I ALLOWED these people to make me feel down about me.
I've come out of this stronger, realizing that I gave their thoughts and words about me too much power. I love it when people believe in me and acknowledge that I am a good person, good friend, good mom, good anything really. I may even depend on people thinking good about me... yeah, I count on other people's good feelings about me - I must. Because how else can I explain how I react when those same people are putting me down, there's a misunderstanding and they won't let me clear it up, there's a dispute and the people want to toss me aside like garbage and forget about me - it's like my whole world turns upside down and I get so angry that I feel almost as if I could self-combust.
These close-armed people. These sometimey people are just that... people. I know one person who is so the opposite of all those people. He never has His arms crossed toward me like, "no way, bub, get lost!" In fact He spread His arms as far open as He possibly could - just to tell me "I love you this much."
These rumor spreading people. These one-way-one-day and one-way-another people. We are all like that sometimes. These people may not have caught me in acting up THIS PARTICULAR TIME lol... but I am guilty of so much. (No confessions today, sorry folks LOL) But I mean, we all act up and we've probably all said something about somebody or to somebody that was painful. Our words can be so ugly and so spirit-killing, but we give people the power to kill our whole day! I know someone who spoke and gave us life, who spoke and healed the sick, who spoke and it was so, who spoke His love into us before we were even a twinkle in our parents' eyes. I need to stop giving power to words that create nothing and start realizing where the real words are!
I have been greedy. I wanted everyone in this world to love me like that. How should I think that it would go for me so smoothly, when the one who does fill us completely and does speak so fondly of us didn't have it that easy? I should just be grateful that these people notice me... My prayer is that I will be a 6ft tall, flashing, gleaming, UGLY, tacky, crazy, horrific, so horribly eye-catching, man "whatever it takes for them to notice me" sign with a huge arrow pointing right up at Jesus.
I can handle that :0) God says I can.
Love,
Steph
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